These days I seem to live in Ephesians and Paul has somewhat become my wing man and a little Locked Away from Adam Levine and R. City didn't hurt the writing process today either. Still blows me away how God works sometimes.
Well, I have been studying spiritual warfare and prayer for the past 6 months now, I seem to always find my way back to Ephesians and the letters of Paul. In these letters is a root, this root has to find its way into deep soil within your spirit, this is a root that will change you, your worship, and how you live your life. Oh and there is Paul, oh how I love Paul, I would have loved to hear him speak, the wisdom on his tongue, the joy that spilled from his lips when he spoke of God, the passion in his eyes as he shared all he had seen, experienced and all the truth that had been revealed to him, the tone and dialect of his voice as he shared and fought for the Kingdom of God. Getting to know Paul has given me a new definition, a new meaning when I ask God to empty me of me and to fill me with His Spirit. I want to sit at Paul's feet as he teaches, I want to know God like Paul knew God!! I want to fight for the Kingdom as he did, where it matters. I no longer want my life to be my own. I have learned what I'm fighting, who I'm fighting, I have witnessed the strategic battle plan forged against me, I know deception, misdirection, I can recognize a lie before it fully rolls off of a tongue and I am now watching as the fiery arrows are fired toward my children because they can no longer penetrate the Armor my God has given me. I can see past flesh and blood to where the threat really lies, and how desperate and petty the enemy can become. I have learned how to pray fervently and with purpose, I have gained an intimacy with God that cant fully be expressed in words. I have experienced and seen how God has gone before me, how he has and is making good of all that was meant to destroy me.
I do not hold the vocabulary to adequately describe the peace you feel inside yourself when in the midst of the battlefield, flaming arrows falling all around, as you stand in the heart of the attempts of the enemy to set fire and destroy all you hold dear; what it feels like to stand still with peace, to press forward with faith and to know your God will and is fighting for you and has gone before you making your way. To get glimpses of how this moment right now no matter what it is, is no surprise to God is breathtaking. He has already been here, He has prepared me and you for right now and given us every weapon needed to victoriously stand as Hell rages around us. The peace... I cant even begin to explain, yes some days are hard especially when the attacks are aimed towards those I hold dearest, when the attention is turned from breaking me down to breaking them down..to break me down. Its hard not to take it into my own hands, to fight the flesh and bones the enemy is using. As the emotions swirl inside me, when I am becoming distracted, in that moment comes a flood of peace that surpasses all and in those moments I HAVE TO CHOOSE to have faith and stand, no matter what the terrain ahead of me looks like, to fight Gods way, to be still and let things unfold in Gods time or allow the enemy to poison my heart, my mind, my spirit, with fear, worry, bitterness, anger, regret and insecurity. I am and choose to be a Ride or Die kinda girl, things don't always look as Id like them to and rarely go as I may have planned but I have truly learned the power and peace in being content in all circumstances and where Paul was coming from. This is a daily battle and I will admit there are days I lose some ground and fall to my flesh. I do have a secret something personalized for me to go along with my Armor God has given me and that Paul has taught me to use.
Its my shades...now hold up.. every ride or die chick has to have a sick pair of shades its a trademark...come on now!!
When it gets tough, when I don't understand, when its hard, I pray for God to shade my eyes; I ask Him to block out all that does not serve His purpose, everything that is only meant to distract me, steal my focus and derail all God has for me. My God tinted glasses reminds me that it is not about what I see but what God sees. It allows me to see past what is blinding me at the moment, to see how God has gone before me and what lies just beyond the fire, even if I cant see past the flames at the moment I know my future is there because my God promised. My shades also protect and guard me for when the world cuts too deep and the pain will show in my eyes, when I am broken and the tears will surely fall; He covers my eyes so the world doesn't see me cry, He covers my weakness with His strength and none are the wiser. My God tinted glasses allow me to see the world different because I am choosing to be different, I am choosing to see Gods way. Like Paul, for me... to live is Christ but to die is gain...that is my choice. I will have faith in the truth and promise that is God, through all that I face in this world I will choose to look through Gods eyes to see as He sees, for my purpose to be His purpose, to not see and live in what lies in front of me but to see past this life to what is ahead of me and bigger than me. I know who I am riding with and what I am dying to and for, do you?
Do you really ride with HIM, would you really die for HIM!!
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Leaning on My Own Understanding!
Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (ESV)
Well, this ones a little hard, a little personal and was hard for me to swallow but my God has called me out, showed me I was deceived by the enemy and mostly...ahhhh...I really gotta quit sugar coating it.....I was completely wrong!!!!!
I have come to learn that money is a root to many problems in a marriage, if you have it, if you don't, what to do with it, whats needed and what is just a want and for whom. Many heart to hearts with friends have shown time and again the main issue surrounding discord in their homes circled around finances and my story is no different. I am a planner, saver, cover all my bases at all times type of gal. It is bad, when my husband would ever ask how much money was in the account I would give him a total, his response would always be "ok, now how much money do we really have in the bank" because he knew I was giving him the total of what I FELT we had to spend not what we actually had in the account. As I have dug deep into places I never wanted to return to, I have found an excuse for myself, that I am this way because of my childhood, I saw and suffered through a lot and it made me who I am, I cant help it..... its not my fault!!
Well....Everything I just said to excuse my behavior is lies the enemy has filled me with to keep my eyes from seeing the truth. He has used my past, my insecurities, and my hurts to riddle me with anxiety and to turn my focus onto making sure I nor my family ever have to experience what I did as a child. There were times when I was young we didn't have power, had little or no heat in the winter and there was a span of about 2 years and 2 different houses that we didn't have hot water (due to it being gas heated). So now you have a small glimpse of where my anxiety comes from and this gave the enemy breeding ground to cause discord, trust issues, and build walls in my marriage and yes I fueled the fire because Im stubborn and felt I was justified in my thinking! I thought my way was the right way to prevent catastrophe in our lives.
My husband was more of a free spirit, an in the moment kind of guy, a figure it out as we go type of man, which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him, he tested me, brought me out of my comfort zone, made me do and see things that I never thought possible, he tore down the walls I had strategically set up to protect me, he taught me how to trust what I couldn't see yet. As life happened and there was a period I was left to handle everything on my own due to him being away and unable to provide for our family, I rebuilt some of those walls and added a few new ones trapping myself in close proximity with the enemy who was ready to kill, steal and destroy me and my family and all God had brought us through. There are pros and cons for each of our ways of handling finances neither is right nor wrong, you need a little of both to survive.
What God has revealed to me I wish I had been open enough to Him to see years ago. My life verse is Matthew 6:34, if you have traveled with me in just about any season in my life you know why. I AM A WORRIER!!! Its BAD!! God brought this verse to my attention around 2007/2008 when I desperately needed it. As my studies and relationship with God have grown I have relied on that verse time and time again. It is sticky noted throughout my house, car, bible, journals, my forehead everywhere!! I thought I had it down pat, that I lived by it, until here recently, you see when you ask God to prepare you, to form you into the woman He has called you to be, for the purpose He intends, sometimes its through loving discipline showing you that your ways are not His, that you got deceived and twisted along the way. He shows you your weakness so He can give you His strength. He gets into those justified places with valid excuses to why you do what you do and shows you how wrong you really were. I am thankful He has shown me what he has and given me the discernment to see the ways the enemy has manipulated my thinking. The enemy knows I'm a worrier and he uses it. It is a crack in me that he uses anytime he can to slowly and strategically separate me from God and His ways. I have recited over and over again "worry about today, do not worry about tomorrow". Do you see what the enemy has done, he has taken Gods word, His instructions and altered them just enough so I look over what God is really commanding of me. He has my focus off just enough so I'm not sharp enough to see his lies. Time and time again I have repeated what I thought to be Gods Word "Don't worry about tomorrow, worry about today it has its own troubles". If its today, tomorrow, yesterday it doesn't matter Im still worrying which means the enemy is winning. Im not trusting God, I just moved my worry to today instead of saving it for tomorrow. The enemy is so cunning, so slick, so good at what he does; by adding, omitting, spinning ONE WORD in your mind, in your thought process and can imprison you for years and take a crack and turn it in to the Grand Canyon between you and God, hindering your entire relationship with God and others. He can wreck your total understanding of The Word of God. He will twist Gods Word to make you comfortable, make it relevant to your situation, to fit your circumstances so to make you feel better about your sin or justify it all together!! But its all still lies and a crack becomes a canyon! What I have finally learned in Matthew 6 is; to worry about nothing, be anxious of nothing and to not give into the enemy who is trying to take your trust and hope out of God by putting it in flesh and bones. God is commanding you to trust in all things, to know He has your back and will give you all you need even if you can't always see it coming. The Lord is not a stockpiler with warehouses of blessing to give at a specific time and place. Labeled. Prepackaged. Waiting. He provides your needs as you need them, in that very moment for His glory. Each day is different and what you may think you need tomorrow may no longer be relevant as the hour approaches. God is AWESOME like that.
So where I thought my husbands free, in the moment attitude was a weakness in his character and my attention to saving, and planning was a strength I possessed, I now see I was wrong. His freedom to not worry and be anxious as I did was a strength, a hope, a trust I did not possess, a living example of Matthew 6:34 right under my nose. There is a call to be a good stewart of all that God gives you but there is also the command not to store up, so to provide for yourself, denying God the ability to provide for you as He desires and sees fit. I see now my husbands actions as a blessing and a lesson to my own disobedience to God and His Word; I pray for forgiveness for not accepting his leadership and trusting him nor trusting God in this area of my life for so long. Sometimes those things that annoy us and make us so different is what God uses to teach us, refine us, to bring us closer to Him, if we will just quit fighting for just a moment to be right and look inward and test our thoughts through scripture we may find there was more there than we ever thought possible!
Well, this ones a little hard, a little personal and was hard for me to swallow but my God has called me out, showed me I was deceived by the enemy and mostly...ahhhh...I really gotta quit sugar coating it.....I was completely wrong!!!!!
I have come to learn that money is a root to many problems in a marriage, if you have it, if you don't, what to do with it, whats needed and what is just a want and for whom. Many heart to hearts with friends have shown time and again the main issue surrounding discord in their homes circled around finances and my story is no different. I am a planner, saver, cover all my bases at all times type of gal. It is bad, when my husband would ever ask how much money was in the account I would give him a total, his response would always be "ok, now how much money do we really have in the bank" because he knew I was giving him the total of what I FELT we had to spend not what we actually had in the account. As I have dug deep into places I never wanted to return to, I have found an excuse for myself, that I am this way because of my childhood, I saw and suffered through a lot and it made me who I am, I cant help it..... its not my fault!!
Well....Everything I just said to excuse my behavior is lies the enemy has filled me with to keep my eyes from seeing the truth. He has used my past, my insecurities, and my hurts to riddle me with anxiety and to turn my focus onto making sure I nor my family ever have to experience what I did as a child. There were times when I was young we didn't have power, had little or no heat in the winter and there was a span of about 2 years and 2 different houses that we didn't have hot water (due to it being gas heated). So now you have a small glimpse of where my anxiety comes from and this gave the enemy breeding ground to cause discord, trust issues, and build walls in my marriage and yes I fueled the fire because Im stubborn and felt I was justified in my thinking! I thought my way was the right way to prevent catastrophe in our lives.
My husband was more of a free spirit, an in the moment kind of guy, a figure it out as we go type of man, which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him, he tested me, brought me out of my comfort zone, made me do and see things that I never thought possible, he tore down the walls I had strategically set up to protect me, he taught me how to trust what I couldn't see yet. As life happened and there was a period I was left to handle everything on my own due to him being away and unable to provide for our family, I rebuilt some of those walls and added a few new ones trapping myself in close proximity with the enemy who was ready to kill, steal and destroy me and my family and all God had brought us through. There are pros and cons for each of our ways of handling finances neither is right nor wrong, you need a little of both to survive.
What God has revealed to me I wish I had been open enough to Him to see years ago. My life verse is Matthew 6:34, if you have traveled with me in just about any season in my life you know why. I AM A WORRIER!!! Its BAD!! God brought this verse to my attention around 2007/2008 when I desperately needed it. As my studies and relationship with God have grown I have relied on that verse time and time again. It is sticky noted throughout my house, car, bible, journals, my forehead everywhere!! I thought I had it down pat, that I lived by it, until here recently, you see when you ask God to prepare you, to form you into the woman He has called you to be, for the purpose He intends, sometimes its through loving discipline showing you that your ways are not His, that you got deceived and twisted along the way. He shows you your weakness so He can give you His strength. He gets into those justified places with valid excuses to why you do what you do and shows you how wrong you really were. I am thankful He has shown me what he has and given me the discernment to see the ways the enemy has manipulated my thinking. The enemy knows I'm a worrier and he uses it. It is a crack in me that he uses anytime he can to slowly and strategically separate me from God and His ways. I have recited over and over again "worry about today, do not worry about tomorrow". Do you see what the enemy has done, he has taken Gods word, His instructions and altered them just enough so I look over what God is really commanding of me. He has my focus off just enough so I'm not sharp enough to see his lies. Time and time again I have repeated what I thought to be Gods Word "Don't worry about tomorrow, worry about today it has its own troubles". If its today, tomorrow, yesterday it doesn't matter Im still worrying which means the enemy is winning. Im not trusting God, I just moved my worry to today instead of saving it for tomorrow. The enemy is so cunning, so slick, so good at what he does; by adding, omitting, spinning ONE WORD in your mind, in your thought process and can imprison you for years and take a crack and turn it in to the Grand Canyon between you and God, hindering your entire relationship with God and others. He can wreck your total understanding of The Word of God. He will twist Gods Word to make you comfortable, make it relevant to your situation, to fit your circumstances so to make you feel better about your sin or justify it all together!! But its all still lies and a crack becomes a canyon! What I have finally learned in Matthew 6 is; to worry about nothing, be anxious of nothing and to not give into the enemy who is trying to take your trust and hope out of God by putting it in flesh and bones. God is commanding you to trust in all things, to know He has your back and will give you all you need even if you can't always see it coming. The Lord is not a stockpiler with warehouses of blessing to give at a specific time and place. Labeled. Prepackaged. Waiting. He provides your needs as you need them, in that very moment for His glory. Each day is different and what you may think you need tomorrow may no longer be relevant as the hour approaches. God is AWESOME like that.
So where I thought my husbands free, in the moment attitude was a weakness in his character and my attention to saving, and planning was a strength I possessed, I now see I was wrong. His freedom to not worry and be anxious as I did was a strength, a hope, a trust I did not possess, a living example of Matthew 6:34 right under my nose. There is a call to be a good stewart of all that God gives you but there is also the command not to store up, so to provide for yourself, denying God the ability to provide for you as He desires and sees fit. I see now my husbands actions as a blessing and a lesson to my own disobedience to God and His Word; I pray for forgiveness for not accepting his leadership and trusting him nor trusting God in this area of my life for so long. Sometimes those things that annoy us and make us so different is what God uses to teach us, refine us, to bring us closer to Him, if we will just quit fighting for just a moment to be right and look inward and test our thoughts through scripture we may find there was more there than we ever thought possible!
Monday, August 24, 2015
Why I Don't Want My Kids to Be Happy!!!!!!!
So..... Now that I have your attention!!
Just hang in there and stay with me for a moment.
No, I don't want my boys to be miserable, to struggle or want you to think they are horrible children, nor do I want them to reap every ounce of what they will sow, what kind of mother do you think I am!!!
They are awesome young men, but don't forget they are still teenagers so this opinion can vary some days. LOL What I am talking about is something that God has been revealing and teaching me the past few years. Having a teenager and a soon to be preteen, you all know the parenting talks we have amongst us "moms". During these years of various encounters there has been several phrases repeated. There has been something that has stuck out to me, but at the time I really didn't know why it stuck out, or why it bothered me. One word has always stuck out... every time... it always sounded something like this ...they have been through so much, I just want them to be happy.......you only live once, I want them to do what makes them happy.......as long as they are happy it doesn't matter to me, there are plenty more but you get my point. In the back of my head many times I was like but "it" is not good for them, "it" is going to ruin their testimony, their relationship with God, "it" can start a ripple that last for generations!! But as I was sitting and talking to friend one day discussing life, faith and being a mother we rolled around to an issue that seemed to be heavy on her heart; (although her child is a little past their teen years, you know a mothers concern for her child never leaves and has no age limit rather they be an infant or adult) her child had made some choices and followed some paths that had some pretty devastating consequences, and I could tell she didn't agree nor want her child on this path and she feared for their soul, and their eternity. At the end of her sharing she kinda shrugged with a broken heart and said "I just want what ever makes ____ happy... just what ever that is" but she didn't, not in the least little bit. In that moment I understood what God had been laying on my heart and once it sunk in I will admit I was a little angry....at myself... because for so long I have prayed for happiness, happiness for myself, those I love and I have wanted my kids "to be happy" but not any more, never again do I want myself nor my family to just be HAPPY!!! For the first time I saw happiness for what it really was...and illusion!!! Something that is fleeting, something that can change without a moments notice, something based on a specific moment in time and something not based on eternal grounds. Happiness is a feeling; a feeling that can change in a blink of and eye, something tied to our circumstances, linked to our emotions and chained to our flesh. Happiness is quick sand, it is not a solid foundation to build anything on and therefore it is really never completely attainable.. its an illusion a very well played magic trick used by a cunning trickster!
You see I don't want my boys to find happiness I want them to find and experience JOY!
True.. Pure.. Joy!! I want them to be Joyful not happy!!
I don't want what will just make them happy, at but a moment in their lives but rather that they find joy in all they do so to last into eternity. I don't want them to pick a career that makes them happy in there 20's but one that gives them joy and a God given purpose into there later years, I don't want them to marry a girl that makes them happy and caresses their ego in a season but one that brings them JOY for a lifetime!!! Joy found only in a love given and created by God to not be conditional and reliant on fair weather. You see joy is something that is not fleeting, joy is something you can still find when happy has jump ship and run away due to uncomfortable circumstances. Joy is still there when everything that made you happy goes belly up!! Joy doesn't know a season, your circumstances or emotional state, I believe it is why the bible says to consider it pure joy to face trials, because joy is about more than a feeling in a moment but the condition of ones heart to surrender to the purpose of a bigger picture you can not see, can not control nor create for yourself. You see we create and control our happiness thats why it is unstable and doesn't hold up when trials hit. It is all fleshy and is about ourselves in a moment and it has no eternal value. Now joy, that is from God, the one who doesn't change, who is a solid foundation and no matter what comes at you, He has never nor ever will be fleeting, He is not tied to your circumstances, linked to your emotions or chained to our flesh. Joy is unchanging, and can be found even in darkness, in every emotion, every trial, every circumstance. Joy never hides till the sun starts shining again. Joy is what you find when you let go of what you think will bring you happiness and live by Gods unchanging, rock solid, time tested Word. So many times in the bible it talks about joy, to find joy in the Lord, to find joy in all circumstances, shout for joy, to be given joy, to seek joy.. because Joy is eternal, happiness on the other hand is bound by time and conditions. I myself can't see Jesus speaking to anyone and any circumstance, and His counsel to them be "do what makes you happy, I just want you to be happy"..........
......................just let that sink in....................................
................a few more moments.......................................
....Do you really think thats what Jesus would say to you if He was sitting across the table from you right now in the dead center of your current situation........?????........... although I have heard this statement from numerous Christians when counseling someone at a crossroads: "You know God just wants us to be HAPPY." I do not believe for one second Jesus died, endured all He did, rose from the grave for me to be "happy" in this life; because to believe that would mean it is all about me, that the reason I'm here, the reason I was knitted in my mothers womb, that I am wonderfully made, that you were wonderfully made is for My own personal gain and enjoyment, for my own purpose as I see fit to make me HAPPY. You see I know I was created, my children were created and you too, to bring God glory, to advance HIS kingdom not our own, to serve HIM not ourselves, to trust what HE can and has given us and not what we can give to ourselves, I am here for HIS purpose, for HIS victory and I know and find joy in the fact that my happiness is not a necessary factor in any of it. I want my boys lives to be filled with Joy not Happiness. I want them to know that when their world turns upside down that they have a reason to push forward, look ahead because they have filled their lives with things and people that bring them Joy and closer to God, by seeking to satisfy Him more than their flesh. By looking past a fleeting moment, filling their lives with things and people that they know are from God because they have pursued them through the guidance of His Word testing everything through scripture and can have rest in times of trail and tribulation knowing these things are never fleeting, always rock solid and unchanging because they are not based on an emotion bound by time and conditions but they are an eternal gift given by their Creator! So I will no longer pray for my boys to find happiness or be the mom that wants what ever makes them happy. I want sooooo much more for my boys lives than just their flesh being satisfied through varied moments in time, I want their lives to be captivated by the One who can satisfy their every need in every situation through eternity.
I pray they find Joy!!!
Just hang in there and stay with me for a moment.
No, I don't want my boys to be miserable, to struggle or want you to think they are horrible children, nor do I want them to reap every ounce of what they will sow, what kind of mother do you think I am!!!
They are awesome young men, but don't forget they are still teenagers so this opinion can vary some days. LOL What I am talking about is something that God has been revealing and teaching me the past few years. Having a teenager and a soon to be preteen, you all know the parenting talks we have amongst us "moms". During these years of various encounters there has been several phrases repeated. There has been something that has stuck out to me, but at the time I really didn't know why it stuck out, or why it bothered me. One word has always stuck out... every time... it always sounded something like this ...they have been through so much, I just want them to be happy.......you only live once, I want them to do what makes them happy.......as long as they are happy it doesn't matter to me, there are plenty more but you get my point. In the back of my head many times I was like but "it" is not good for them, "it" is going to ruin their testimony, their relationship with God, "it" can start a ripple that last for generations!! But as I was sitting and talking to friend one day discussing life, faith and being a mother we rolled around to an issue that seemed to be heavy on her heart; (although her child is a little past their teen years, you know a mothers concern for her child never leaves and has no age limit rather they be an infant or adult) her child had made some choices and followed some paths that had some pretty devastating consequences, and I could tell she didn't agree nor want her child on this path and she feared for their soul, and their eternity. At the end of her sharing she kinda shrugged with a broken heart and said "I just want what ever makes ____ happy... just what ever that is" but she didn't, not in the least little bit. In that moment I understood what God had been laying on my heart and once it sunk in I will admit I was a little angry....at myself... because for so long I have prayed for happiness, happiness for myself, those I love and I have wanted my kids "to be happy" but not any more, never again do I want myself nor my family to just be HAPPY!!! For the first time I saw happiness for what it really was...and illusion!!! Something that is fleeting, something that can change without a moments notice, something based on a specific moment in time and something not based on eternal grounds. Happiness is a feeling; a feeling that can change in a blink of and eye, something tied to our circumstances, linked to our emotions and chained to our flesh. Happiness is quick sand, it is not a solid foundation to build anything on and therefore it is really never completely attainable.. its an illusion a very well played magic trick used by a cunning trickster!
You see I don't want my boys to find happiness I want them to find and experience JOY!
True.. Pure.. Joy!! I want them to be Joyful not happy!!
I don't want what will just make them happy, at but a moment in their lives but rather that they find joy in all they do so to last into eternity. I don't want them to pick a career that makes them happy in there 20's but one that gives them joy and a God given purpose into there later years, I don't want them to marry a girl that makes them happy and caresses their ego in a season but one that brings them JOY for a lifetime!!! Joy found only in a love given and created by God to not be conditional and reliant on fair weather. You see joy is something that is not fleeting, joy is something you can still find when happy has jump ship and run away due to uncomfortable circumstances. Joy is still there when everything that made you happy goes belly up!! Joy doesn't know a season, your circumstances or emotional state, I believe it is why the bible says to consider it pure joy to face trials, because joy is about more than a feeling in a moment but the condition of ones heart to surrender to the purpose of a bigger picture you can not see, can not control nor create for yourself. You see we create and control our happiness thats why it is unstable and doesn't hold up when trials hit. It is all fleshy and is about ourselves in a moment and it has no eternal value. Now joy, that is from God, the one who doesn't change, who is a solid foundation and no matter what comes at you, He has never nor ever will be fleeting, He is not tied to your circumstances, linked to your emotions or chained to our flesh. Joy is unchanging, and can be found even in darkness, in every emotion, every trial, every circumstance. Joy never hides till the sun starts shining again. Joy is what you find when you let go of what you think will bring you happiness and live by Gods unchanging, rock solid, time tested Word. So many times in the bible it talks about joy, to find joy in the Lord, to find joy in all circumstances, shout for joy, to be given joy, to seek joy.. because Joy is eternal, happiness on the other hand is bound by time and conditions. I myself can't see Jesus speaking to anyone and any circumstance, and His counsel to them be "do what makes you happy, I just want you to be happy"..........
......................just let that sink in....................................
................a few more moments.......................................
....Do you really think thats what Jesus would say to you if He was sitting across the table from you right now in the dead center of your current situation........?????........... although I have heard this statement from numerous Christians when counseling someone at a crossroads: "You know God just wants us to be HAPPY." I do not believe for one second Jesus died, endured all He did, rose from the grave for me to be "happy" in this life; because to believe that would mean it is all about me, that the reason I'm here, the reason I was knitted in my mothers womb, that I am wonderfully made, that you were wonderfully made is for My own personal gain and enjoyment, for my own purpose as I see fit to make me HAPPY. You see I know I was created, my children were created and you too, to bring God glory, to advance HIS kingdom not our own, to serve HIM not ourselves, to trust what HE can and has given us and not what we can give to ourselves, I am here for HIS purpose, for HIS victory and I know and find joy in the fact that my happiness is not a necessary factor in any of it. I want my boys lives to be filled with Joy not Happiness. I want them to know that when their world turns upside down that they have a reason to push forward, look ahead because they have filled their lives with things and people that bring them Joy and closer to God, by seeking to satisfy Him more than their flesh. By looking past a fleeting moment, filling their lives with things and people that they know are from God because they have pursued them through the guidance of His Word testing everything through scripture and can have rest in times of trail and tribulation knowing these things are never fleeting, always rock solid and unchanging because they are not based on an emotion bound by time and conditions but they are an eternal gift given by their Creator! So I will no longer pray for my boys to find happiness or be the mom that wants what ever makes them happy. I want sooooo much more for my boys lives than just their flesh being satisfied through varied moments in time, I want their lives to be captivated by the One who can satisfy their every need in every situation through eternity.
I pray they find Joy!!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Being Part of the 1%
As spring and summer approaches and everyone including myself cant wait to spend more time outdoors in the warm sunshine, I'm reminded (as I see my hand while reaching for my toothbrush and I exhale all the oxygen in my lungs through my nostrils)...I am part of the 1% of the worlds population that has the disease called vitiligo. It is an auto immune disease that causes ones immune system to attack the melanocytes cells (these are the cells that produce pigment in the skin) and destroy them. So in short, my body attacks and destroys its self. Way to go body!!!! There is no cure and due to the fact there is no "significant" health risks there has not been much research done compared to other diseases. I have dealt with "my spots" since I was about 12, that was around the time a spot got large enough to notice and cause alarm. Now don't get me wrong I am very lucky that my skin tone is light, so in the winter months my exposed spots are not too noticeable. Most of my condition can be covered with clothing. I have spots on my hands and feet but just this week I discovered there is a new spot that has appeared on my right knee, its still small but as I know it is just the beginning of a larger spot in the future. I am lucky that on my face only around my eyes have depigmented so far, it is common for the depigmentation to occur around the nose, mouth and ears also. But unless you are one of the few to see me without any of my makeup on you would never know. I have learned over the years ways to hold my hands so my spots are not noticed and it is also why I love shirts with pockets, hoodies are my friend!!! I have been asked whats wrong with my hands, if I've been burnt, I've encountered a couple mean kids through the years and I've also been teased by loved ones. This disease may not have any "significant" health risk or be physically pain causing but it has very SIGNIFICANT emotional and psychological effects on the person living with it. As if growing up in a world consumed by body image isn't hard enough for every teenage girl add a disease you can do nothing about and affects your SKIN to the mix. As I said before I'm lucky the severity of my condition can be covered with clothes and now that I'm in my mid 30s that isn't a big deal at all, but as a teenage girl being invited to pool parties, the beach, and the lake, having vitiligo added another degree of hyperventilation. Along with the normal stress any girl goes through preparing to attend a function, a bathing suit for me was a nightmare! Like Freddy Kruger, Friday the 13th, Poltergeist kind of nightmare, it totally terrifies me!! Not once in my life have I had a bathing suit I was comfortable in (heck I'm not even comfortable in my own skin), one that I actually liked, nor have I been able to get the one I really wanted because my spots may show! I don't like bathing suits, and as I have found out most women don't, but my concern wasn't ever how my body looked in a bathing suit so much as it was dealing with someone seeing my spots. But wait.....Hold on...wait right there for a moment..... there is more.....there is one more thing EVERY woman can not stand to see in the mirror... every girls horror...GRAY HAIR!!!!!!!! Oh yes, no pigmentation in the skin means......yep you guessed it....none in the hair that grows from said skin!!! As a result I have had gray patches around my ears since I was 20. Lucky again my light hair color has concealed it but I know its there, just like I know the spots are. I remember being in a fast food restaurant when I was in my teens, a young lady with a darker skin tone then mine was working behind the counter she also had vitiligo, there was a group of people who said some really hurtful things about her condition and were poking a whole lot of fun. I knew these people but they did not know I shared her condition. My skin tone was lighter so it wasn't as noticeable and unlike this young woman at this point in my life the spots on any of my exposed areas were minimal. Because of this experience I have never shared this part of me out of fear of rejection. I have even said yes to the question "Have you been burned?" because at the time being burned carried less shame than having a disease no one understood. I know my embarrassment and constant attempts to conceal my condition have scarred not only me but one of my most intimate relationships. As I've grown in my relationship with God I have learned that God created me this way for a reason. One of the diagnoses states that my body mistakenly attacks and destroys its own cells. I know God makes no mistakes, He formed me on purpose, He made me unique (part of the 1%) on purpose, so why do I hide the one thing that sets me apart from so many. Because I've listened to the world that told me being different is ugly, its weird, disgusting, unwanted, undesirable, that I should be ashamed and hide, that I'm unattractive because I have spots on my skin. You see though what the world and the flesh like and desire changes almost daily. Whats in today is out tomorrow, this worlds image of beauty fades with time, with age, it changes. But what will never change is that I have vitiligo and most importantly my God never changes. I have fell in love with my skin as I have fell deeper in love with God, and as I know with each passing year I will lose more and more color from my skin until its gone, I know I will never lose the color in my heart because it is Gods home and I am His!!!! My Body is not mistakenly attacking its self its doing what God created it to do, for a purpose only He knows!
Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my innermost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY MADE; YOUR WORKS ARE WONDERFUL, I know that full well. MY frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
For His Glory Not Mine
After an incident with someone I care deeply about sent me into a whirlwind of emotion and tears I called out to God, I'm sure you to have had these events in your life. The ones where someone you love or look up to does something so hurtful and self destructive, not only to themselves but to everyone in their wake that you just want answers. You want to know why people and God stand and watch it happen. Im talking about those moments when your enraged that good people are doing horrible things that go against everything they say they believe in. Those situations that happen to all of us, at sometime, where we go to God and throw our hands up and say WHY? Why did you let this happen? Why do I have to suffer, while they get a free pass? Why aren't you doing something? Why Me? Why does everybody just sit back and watch someone self destruct? The list of whys may be different for each of us but still uniquely the same for everything we think that is unfair in our lives. In my incident, the emotions and confusion swirled like a tornado inside of me and as I'm on my knees before God my question, my plea is....Why? Why are you calling me to this purpose, why have you pointed me in a direction that continues to break me, to test every fabric of my being....again? Why are you taking me through the wilderness, while they are dancing in the streets? As I cry out and sit in that place where my flesh, that's full of anger, bitterness and brokenness fights to over power my spirit that is full of faith, hope and love; a calmness comes over me. Even at a time when my flesh is throwing questions at God, even when I am allowing my flesh power over my faith, the Lord is there. As this calmness covered me I was reminded of Exodus 14:14 "I will fight for you, you need only be still." God is fighting for us all that love and follow him, the battle may not look the way we think it should, but He IS fighting for us. "you need only be still" I struggled with what this really meant for a few days and while studying in the verses that are before and after 14:14 and, God revealed the meaning of His words and more insight to the big picture. I'm sure I'm not the only one the Father has shook His head at and said my silly child its not about you, no really child I'm serious its not. In my situation "you need only be still" means this ..... it isn't my fight, its a spiritual matter, one I have no business sticking my nose in nor do I have a single weapon to bring to this fight. Its not instructions to lay down and be bulldozed but it is a call to be more like Christ. To show Gods love, forgiveness, and grace when it is not deserved, when its hard, when its pushed away and pushed out, when it is totally and completely rejected. This is a very hard thing to do, especially when someone is blatantly hurting you and yet calling themselves a believer. We tend to think that we can change someones heart, that we have the power to turn their life around but there is only one that knows what each of us need, individually, and that's God. There comes a time when we have to realize what we are here to do.... to KNOW HIM and MAKE HIM KNOWN! We play a role in the battle but we are not the commander or front runner. God always goes before us. We don't know the true state of someones heart, where they really are with God, all we know is what they let us see. So there is no way we can go to battle for someone else soul, we are not equipped with the weapons to fight that battle. We are equipped though with an arsenal of weapons to fight for our own soul, the Bible...the Word of God and by fighting for our own soul and living by Gods every word we will make Christ known. Every word of the Bible is clear and indisputable, its a clear set of commands and instructions on how to know Him and to make Him known. In every word you will find that our call in knowing him is a call to be different, a call not to conform to the ways of this world. Those who know Him are to be DIFFERENT, they speak different, they look different, they live different, they RESPOND different. When the world says "you deserve better.. you deserve more than what you've been handed", those who know him say I deserve hell, I deserve nothing more BUT because my God loves me he sent his son to die for me and in Christ I have all I need. (John 6:35 Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life: whoever comes to me shall not hunger and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.") When the world says "Life is short do what makes you happy!" Those who know him say I have but a short time here on earth to serve my Lord, to follow his commands, to live by his word and to live in a manner that glorifies God and in that alone I find a Joy that surpasses all that is found here on earth. (Matthew 16:24-26 "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?) When the world says put up you arms and take those down that hurt you, belittle you, and spew evil into your life, those who know him......they Respond with love and forgiveness....they wipe the mud they have been drug through off, smile, shake that persons hand, and thank them for the ride because they know the battle is not with them but that the situation at hand is about a spiritual battle going on within the other person. (Luke 6:27-36, Matt 5:21-26 and many many more).
As my time in Gods word over this matter lead me to the books of Matthew, Romans , Ester, Philippians, Exodus and so on, I saw a central message.... quit trying to do it your dang self!!!!!! Trust Me!!!!!!! I've got this!!!! Although God had to take me to book after book to show me the message he wants wrote on my heart, all because I'm hard headed, then I finally got it...it clicked. After this I was able to see more of big picture and get some peace with some of the whys. By backing up into Exodus 13 after it clicked, Ex. 13:17-18 to be exacted, I found it intriguing that God didn't take his people out of Egypt by the common, well known/traveled path, the familiar way; He took them by way of wilderness-"Ex. 13:17 Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt". God knew their flesh would conquer their faith and at the first sign of things not looking like they thought they should they would run, right back into what he had brought them out of. So he took them down a path where they had no where to go, no way to survive without running to him. I sit here and ponder how many times God has had to force us down an unknown path because if there was anywhere to go expect to him we would go there. I myself sit here and think of all the times I have blamed and harbored hurt because of people walking out on me, when in reality it was God sending me into the wilderness because if I had anything to satisfy my fleshly needs I would go there instead of going to God! By doing this, by going somewhere other than to God, I would never make it to the Red Sea of my life, so I could be still and let the Lord fight for me so he would get the GLORY HE DESERVES! Nor would he be able to display his power over the Pharaohs in my life so all those who would see would know that HE IS LORD!!!!
All in All....quit fighting so hard to get out of the wilderness, quit thinking it is so unfair, that you have been abandon. Have faith in God and know he is fighting for you, if you follow him, if you give your life to him. Its not about you or what your going through but how God is and will use you (most times without you even knowing) to show his power, His love but also to receive the Glory that is only His!!
Monday, March 2, 2015
I'M GROWN!!!!
We all have had the moment in our lives when we were asked: What we wanted to be when we grew up. As we grew the answers changed from princess, super hero to doctor, teacher and so forth. As we grew the whole world was always at our fingertips. Me, I dreamed of playing college basketball, my over the top dream was to then go on to play in the WNBA. The more realistic plan was to one day coach in women's college basketball. Where I have let go of ever playing college basketball or playing in the WNBA there has always been a part of me that has held on to the idea that I could still maybe one day fulfill my dream to coach at least at the high school level. My high school dreams all changed when I fell in love with an beautiful young man. He captivated me, the way he loved me, protected me, was nothing I had ever experienced in my life. He had a rough and tough exterior and the biggest, greatest heart I had ever experienced. I had grew up in a very unstable, abusive home and my dreams of all I wanted to be, were to lead me out, away.....far far far far away....out of state gone.....never look back kind of dreams. It was the movie kind of dreams..."I gotta get out of this town and never look back". But in walked a boy, just like in the movies. So instead of college and all MY plans, (remember I said..MY PLANS) I was married and having a beautiful baby boy with the most beautiful young man (inside and out) that I had ever seen by my 20th birthday, I had a new dream now a better one, a family, a forever, I was HOME. There is a roller coaster ride story that spans from 1997-2014 that will be told as the Lord leads me, but for the record I loved the ride, and would have rode that coaster till my last breath. Oh and the town I wanted to get out of I still live in!!! :)
I said all this to set the stage for what God has revealed to me about MY plans and my life. Especially since the divorce, because at times the enemy has convinced me that it all was just a waste, that all the tears, hopes, trials were all for nothing; because all my dreams, my family, my forever, HOME was pulled out from under me. Honestly, there are days I believe his words and I have learned that when I begin believing the enemies words, I turn and run as fast as I can towards God, I pray, I usually cry at some point, and I engulf my self in His word and the Lord always...ALWAYS calms me and speaks into my heart. Im not going to sugar coat it at all, its a daily battle and some days I know the only reason I make it is because God carried me the whole way. Here lately as I watch life unfold before my eyes and the days pass far to quickly. I see all the plans I made for my life, all the thing I've done and could have done, the things I've learned and still have to discover. As I look back on my teenage self and all her dreams with the world before me, I never would have guessed the greatest days of my life, the best of every season, the most profound thing I could do with my life was be a mother. I would like to say be a wife and mother but again those were my plans, how I saw it playing out. My best days, the ones I love the most where spent with two little boys, cleaning up vomit, poo, dirty cardboard socks, finding ranch not only hid through out my car but also my house, sitting for hours at ballparks and gyms, cuddled on the the couch watching movies and most times watching and praying over them as they slept. Every second with them has brought me pure JOY!!!
Im at a point in my life where being a mother is who I am and it is who I will always be. (It was His Plan! that I never seen coming) My youngest, my baby is knocking on the door to being a teenager, and my oldest is almost a man. Life is changing, what has always been is no longer. It truly saddens me that my boys are growing up but what grieved me more is that I finally realized that I grew up without even realizing. I'M GROWN........GROWN, yes I know I'm 35 so of course I'm grown, but my point is; there is so much I HAD PLANNED that I haven't done!!!!! This is where God steps in and I realize how much has been missed because of my plans, routine, To Do List and all the stuff I just couldn't wait to do with my life. I am reminded by God of Luke 9:23-25 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" I look back now to see that none of that Stuff was as important as Gods call on my life or benefit who I really was, who God created me to be. Look, seasons change way to quickly, days get shorter, and some things that are lost are gone forever, things that seem permanent fade away, change and GROW! I look at my sons and I am thankful for everyday, every moment, every season I have got to spend with them. The moments in the car, on the couch, at the ball park, these are all treasures deep within my heart. I guess as the time approaches that they will be venturing off into this world on their own, the emotions are almost overwhelming. Those of Grief and of Joy!!! I miss the days of sippy cups, cartoons, dirty diapers, shoes on the wrong feet, I miss their dependance on me. I am also filled with great tears of JOY to look at the young men they are becoming ( even after all the mistakes I have made as a mother). I look forward to seeing them become Men, Husbands, Fathers and all the days and seasons that are to come. As I look back on all the plans I have made nothing comes close to the plans God made for me. In realizing this now that I'm grown I know what I want to be...... I want to be a woman that will follow God WHEREVER He takes my life, I want to be a woman that will deny myself and lay down my life at the feet of my Lord and Savior, I want to be a mother who when her children look at her they see not only my love for them but more abundantly they see Gods love for them through me, I want to be a woman that looks to God to make the Plans instead of making my own.
To My Boys
Being your mother made my life complete. I missed out on nothing, and wouldn't change a single day, tear, broken heart, laugh nothing. Being your mom was my greatest blessing from God and was more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed for my life. I hope you can always see the love I have for both of you and the blessing you are the every single day of my life. I am so proud of both of you.
Ya'll are my heart, I Love You Forever!!!
MOM
Well...... Here We Go
Please be patient as this is all new to me but I will get the hang of it! I have wanted to do this for a while and have consistently put it off. After a lot of prayer and a lot of running from it I am stepping out on faith. I am big on journaling and always have been, just so you know there is some good reading waiting for someone once I leave this world; until then those journals are hidden away in a very safe place. As we all know every blessing, every trial, and every lesson learned cant be kept private; there are things we are meant to share. There are lessons we learn in this life that are solely meant for no other reason but to futher Gods kingdom, to bless someone elses life, or to offer the opportunity for a family member, friend or complete stranger to hear how awesome Gods mercy, grace, forgiveness and love is. Experiencing His mercy, grace and love IS life changing. I'm a firm believer that there are some trials and lessons that are private meant only for our own personal growth and to strengthen our personal relationship with God. With that said we all have a story to tell and with each chapter we have a choice to draw closer to God and have faith in His plan or we can take it in our own hands and enter the world. Since my gift is not (at all) public speaking (the words in my head never quite make it to my mouth correctly), writing is my best way of communicating what is in my head and heart. For years I have trapped my trails and blessings, the ways God has touched me and my life in journal after journal tucked away from the world. My hope is that someone will be encouraged by my story, that they know they are not alone. This will be my attempt at telling my story and my testimony.
A little about Me
I am 35, and a single mother of 2 awesome boys who are 16 and 11. We are a baseball family both my boys love baseball although they both also play other sports as well. I love being at the ball park and thats where we have spent our time since my oldest was 4. We have the sweetest pit bull known to man named Peaches and a fat cat that we have had for 13 years and adore. I have recently went through a divorce, that I never seen coming, after 16 years of marriage. This shook me to my core and has and still is testing my faith in ways I could have never imagined. My goal is to raise these 2 young men that God has entrusted me with to seek God, to live by His every word, to fear the Lord, to know there is no gray area in scripture and to LOVE the LORD with ALL their HEARTS.The Title
The Greatest of These... is LOVE. 1Corinthians 13:13 I believe this with all my heart, without love there is nothing. Love is so misunderstood. What love really is and means has been twisted by this world. The word love is in the bible more than 500 times yet true depth of what this word means is barely known to most. The impact of studying the magnitude and power this one little word holds is life changing. To even catch a glimpse of what this word means you not only have to study the scriptures in which it is in, but pull part that scripture looking at the Hebrew and Greek translations to truly see what is being said by our Father. There are words in Hebrew and Greek that there are no English words for. There are several different Hebrew words that translate to love, where each have the central meaning of love, each also has elements that set it apart from the others and give one little 4 letter word more meaning and insight to a Fathers heart than you could ever imagine. I could go on but that is another post and another day. The greatest of these is LOVE!!!
The Address
Although it wasn't my first choice or at least I didn't come into this with it in mind....it is perfect. I believe we are all running from our own Nineveh. I think we all can relate to Jonah, we all have ignored Gods call, we have all ran at some point, we have all be caught in a storm we knew was our fault due to our choices; we have all found our selves in darkness...alone in the belly of our own whale; we have all been given a second chance and seen Gods Power, His Grace and His Mercy only to stomp our feet like a 2 year old when things didn't go the way we think they should. We all think we have it figured out, that we can be the judge. We forget sin is sin no matter what kind it is. We forget His mercy and grace is for everyone and not just us. We forget we have no understanding on what the big picture is. We forget we are but one of His children, we forget how deep our Fathers LOVE is for us all!
This is my story......................................................................................................................................
This is my story......................................................................................................................................
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)