I'M GROWN!!!!

We all have had the moment in our lives when we were asked: What we wanted to be when we grew up.  As we grew the answers changed from princess, super hero to doctor, teacher and so forth. As we grew the whole world was always at our fingertips. Me, I dreamed of playing college basketball, my over the top dream was to then go on to play in the WNBA. The more realistic plan was to one day coach in women's college basketball.  Where I have let go of ever playing college basketball or playing in the WNBA there has always been a part of me that has held on to the idea that I could still maybe one day fulfill my dream to coach at least at the high school level. My high school dreams all changed when I fell in love with an beautiful young man.  He captivated me, the way he loved me, protected me, was nothing I had ever experienced in my life. He had a rough and tough exterior and the biggest, greatest heart I had ever experienced.  I had grew up in a very unstable, abusive home and my dreams of all I wanted to be, were to lead me out, away.....far far far far away....out of state gone.....never look back kind of dreams. It was the movie kind of dreams..."I gotta get out of this town and never look back".  But in walked a boy, just like in the movies.  So instead of college and all MY plans, (remember I said..MY PLANS) I was married and having a beautiful baby boy with the most beautiful young man (inside and out) that I had ever seen by my 20th birthday, I had a new dream now a better one, a family, a forever, I was HOME.  There is a roller coaster ride story that spans from 1997-2014 that will be told as the Lord leads me, but for the record I loved the ride, and would have rode that coaster till my last breath. Oh and the town I wanted to get out of I still live in!!! :)

I said all this to set the stage for what God has revealed to me about MY plans and my life.  Especially since the divorce, because at times the enemy has convinced me that it all was just a waste, that all the tears, hopes, trials were all for nothing; because all my dreams, my family, my forever, HOME was pulled out from under me. Honestly, there are days I believe his words and I have learned that when I begin believing the enemies words, I turn and run as fast as I can towards God, I pray, I usually cry at some point, and I engulf my self in His word and the Lord always...ALWAYS calms me and speaks into my heart.  Im not going to sugar coat it at all, its a daily battle and some days I know the only reason I make it is because God carried me the whole way. Here lately as I watch life unfold before my eyes and the days pass far to quickly. I see all the plans I made for my life, all the thing I've done and could have done, the things I've learned and still have to discover.  As I look back on my teenage self and all her dreams with the world before me, I never would have guessed the greatest days of my life, the best of every season, the most profound thing I could do with my life was be a mother. I would like to say be a wife and mother but again those were my plans, how I saw it playing out. My best days, the ones I love the most where spent with two little boys, cleaning up vomit, poo, dirty cardboard socks, finding ranch not only hid through out my car but also my house, sitting for hours at ballparks and gyms, cuddled on the the couch watching movies and most times watching and praying over them as they slept. Every second with them has brought me pure JOY!!!

Im at a point in my life where being a mother is who I am and it is who I will always be. (It was His Plan! that I never seen coming) My youngest, my baby is knocking on the door to being a teenager, and my oldest is almost a man. Life is changing, what has always been is no longer. It truly saddens me that my boys are growing up but what grieved me more is that I finally realized that I grew up without even realizing. I'M GROWN........GROWN, yes I know I'm 35 so of course I'm grown, but my point is; there is so much I HAD PLANNED that I haven't done!!!!! This is where God steps in and I realize how much has been missed because of my plans, routine, To Do List and all the stuff I just couldn't wait to do with my life. I am reminded by God of Luke 9:23-25 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" I look back now to see that none of that Stuff was as important as Gods call on my life or benefit who I really was, who God created me to be. Look, seasons change way to quickly, days get shorter, and some things that are lost are gone forever, things that seem permanent fade away, change and GROW! I look at my sons and I am thankful for everyday, every moment, every season I have got to spend with them. The moments in the car, on the couch, at the ball park, these are all treasures deep within my heart. I guess as the time approaches that they will be venturing off into this world on their own, the emotions are almost overwhelming. Those of Grief and of Joy!!! I miss the days of sippy cups, cartoons, dirty diapers, shoes on the wrong feet, I miss their dependance on me. I am also filled with great tears of JOY to look at the young men they are becoming ( even after all the mistakes I have made as a mother). I look forward to seeing them become Men, Husbands, Fathers and all the days and seasons that are to come.  As I look back on all the plans I have made nothing comes close to the plans God made for me. In realizing this now that I'm grown I know what I want to be...... I want to be a woman that will follow God WHEREVER He takes my life, I want to be a woman that will deny myself and lay down my life at the feet of my Lord and Savior, I want to be a mother who when her children look at her they see not only my love for them but more abundantly they see Gods love for them through me, I want to be a woman that looks to God to make the Plans instead of making my own.

To My Boys

Being your mother made my life complete. I missed out on nothing, and wouldn't change a single day, tear, broken heart, laugh nothing. Being your mom was my greatest blessing from God and was more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed for my life. I hope you can always see the love I have for both of you and the blessing you are the every single day of my life. I am so proud of both of you. 

Ya'll are my heart, I Love You Forever!!!

MOM